Passing the Mommy baton, picking up the Gramma torch

April 13, 1987....I became a mom.  And my life changed forever.  Seriously.  I never realized how that small child, that little being I was now responsible for, would change me.   My thoughts here on that topic.......

Then child # 2 arrived on June 12, 1989.....read her story here

Ok, so our family has 2 girls...of course we can't stop there....Gotta try for that boy.  Read about the day I heard, "it's a boy" on June 23, 1991.

Life took on a whole new dimension with that 3rd child. Talk about 'let's just stay home cuz it's so much easier". 

If you do the math you will see that I now had a 4 year old, a 2 year old and newborn at home. 
Can you say, 

"will I ever again have time for myself?"   

Moms, if you are at this stage and thinking this, let me assure you, you will have time for yourself again, I promise!  And when you do, you will wish for the time when you didn't...crazy isn't it?


So I waited 3 years this time before I brought home the next bundle of joy.   April 14, 1994 another boy joined us.  And again, life changed!  His story is here.

The last baby story for this mom on February 8, 1998.  Now my family is complete. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and before I could say, 

"Please don't grow up" 

 it had already happened.   

Which leads me to my next stories.  The stories that I dreamed about as my children were growing.  The stories I thought of when I knew I would not have any more babies of my own.  The stories that I longed to be able to tell, yet when the first story came, I couldn't find the words to tell it.  

Now a full year has passed and I've yet to talk about that day when my life changed again. Changed in a way that I had longed for, yearned to experience, prayed would happen, but when it did finally occur, I couldn't understand or talk about all the strange emotions that flooded me.  

Today I will try, though I know that words will NEVER be able to convey even a smidgen of what I felt and still feel.

The day I struggled to pass on the mommy baton and tearfully pick up the Gramma torch. 

 February 20, 2013

My granddaughter, Aubrie Elizabeth

who I lovingly call  Aubrie-girl

Much to my delight, and my daughter's dismay once it was all over, I experienced my granddaughter's debut.  As I watched her enter this world I was overtaken with awe at the beauty of life.  But not just any life, this is MY GRANDDAUGHTER!!!!!  (I still tear up when I say that)

Holding her for the first time was....well, awesome!  But I still couldn't really grasp the fact that this little girl was my granddaughter.  That I was a grandmother.....I must be dreaming.  

I spent the next week attempting to wrap my brain around all of this.  When I would talk to her I would refer to myself as "Auntie Cindy" because that's who I was to children who weren't mine....certainly not Gramma.

While my mouth was saying "Auntie Cindy" my heart was saying "mom".  I wanted this baby to be MINE.  I wanted to nurse her, take her home, care for her and be her mom.  I really didn't want to be Gramma, that was 2nd best to mom!  

I struggled BIG TIME with this to the point where I had to leave the room several times and have a good cry.  I literally felt a part of me dying.  The mom part, the part that wants babies but physically can't anymore.  The part that I wasn't willing to give up, not yet.  

Then I would continue to cry from the guilt of what I was feeling.  I'm supposed to be happy, ecstatic to be a Gramma, why am I feeling like this?  

I would watch my daughter do all the mommy things and be jealous, then guilty, then sad and on and on it would go.  It's not supposed to be like THIS!  

Finally after a few days, I shared my feelings with my daughter.  She asked if I felt that way because I thought she was not a good mother....oh boy, talk about having a knife stabbed right into my heart.  I reassured her that she was a wonderful mom and that this was ALL me. Something I had to come to terms with, something I had to work through. 

When I went home I had a tough time emotionally.  I felt robbed, empty, lonely, sorry for myself....yea, all of that and MORE.  All the while trying to bring up the feelings I thought I'd have when this day arrived...the pure joy and elation I expected...but those feelings just wouldn't come.

I ached to hold that child.  I would visit when I could (they live 243 miles away) only to come home depressed and sad.  One time after a visit, when I got home I spent 3 days in bed in my room crying and praying, asking God to help me deal with this, to accept this stage of life that I am now in and embrace it with gladness.

Slowly over the past year I have come to the place of acceptance. Watching my daughter and son-in-law with my granddaughter, I finally can say all is well.  It is as it should be.  

Time for me to pass on the mommy baton to very capable hands and grab that Gramma torch and be ready to shine it brightly for many years! 


  

A friend pointed out to me today that when she runs up to me, smiling and saying "Gramma" that is when the FULL emotions will come.  Everything I dreamed about being a gramma will finally overtake me and I will then pick up that sweet little girl with a smile and say:

YES!!!! I am your GRAMMA!  

I love you Aubrie-girl....Happy 1st Birthday